Kimi Wasurenai
by TabbyCat33098
Summary: The evolution of Makoto's feelings through the years.


A/N: I have no excuse, honestly. I know there are other fics I should be working on and I promise I'm slowly getting them done!

This has been sitting on my phone for a very long time so I figured I should finally finish it. I took a lot of liberties with a lot of things so sorry if this isn't 100% factually accurate.

This is a good time to say, after I finish my 4 unfinished fics, I'm going to be taking a hiatus from writing fic. I'm grateful for everything fanfic has done for me, but I think it's time to move on. I likely won't stop writing fic entirely, but it definitely won't be a main focus in my life.

As always, reviews are loved and favs/alerts are lovingly hoarded. Happy reading! :)

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 **Kimi Wasurenai**

He is eleven when he gives his heart to Haruka.

-xx-

He is thirteen when he realizes Haruka has already given his heart to Rin, after he watches it break at the sight of Rin's tears instead of healing at the sight of his own.

-xx-

He is fifteen when he jerks off to the thought of Haruka for the first time.

It happens completely by accident. He starts with the same fantasy he has been using for years: a faceless boy of average height peppering kisses in a trail down his torso, stopping to blow air over his navel and making Makoto shiver with pleasure. The boy moves down the last few centimeters and wraps his mouth around Makoto's dick. He sucks, hard, making Makoto cry out, and then he proceeds to bob his head up and down at an increasing speed.

Makoto tangles his hands in the boy's nondescript hair, which transforms into silken raven strands under his touch. He is confused for a moment that his fantasy has changed, but he doesn't notice anything amiss. Pleasure curls in a tight ball in his abdomen, and his eyes flutter shut as he encourages his fantasy lover to take him deeper. His hips make little aborted thrusts off the bed. His own strokes grow firmer and quicker as he edges towards completion.

Then the boy in his fantasy looks up at him, green eyes make contact with familiar electric blue, and Makoto comes with a muffled whimper.

The guilt begins to gnaw at him even before his comes down from his orgasmic high. How could he use his best friend's image to satisfy such primal desires? He feels filthy, depraved. He had no right to use Haruka, his best friend of so many years, as a simple means to an end.

Haruka must never know, he thinks vehemently, and he promises himself he will never use Haruka's image in such a way again.

He breaks that promise two nights later.

-xx-

He is sixteen when Rin comes back to them and fills the hole in their lives they had only half-known existed. His brash attitude serves as a nice complement to Makoto's gentle nature, Haruka's general apathy, and Nagisa's impulsive behavior. Even Rei integrates smoothly into their ragtag group when he joins the club, finding his niche as Nagisa's damage control.

At least, that would have been the ideal outcome for Rin's return. The reality is that Rin comes back hardened and cagey, unable to see past his own insecurities to realize his own strength and talent. He pushes his old friends away in what Makoto assumes is a deluded attempt to protect himself. It breaks Makoto's heart to realize that Rin sees friendship as a weakness, and he hopes fervently that one of them can help him see otherwise.

In the end, it is Rei who opens Rin's eyes. While unexpected, it isn't entirely surprising to Makoto that the only one able to reach Rin was the person far enough removed from the situation to have no compunction with forcefully dragging Rin's head out of the sand. None of the other three boys would have dared to act so aggressively with Rin, for fear of shattering the tenuous relationship they had developed with him and losing the chance to build a friendship again in the future.

-xx-

He is seventeen when he has his first fight with Haruka, a pained disagreement overlaid by the sound of fireworks that seem completely out of place. As Haruka stumbles away from him, breaking into a run a few steps later, Makoto's hands clench helplessly by his sides as he wonders whether to chase after Haruka or let him be.

Eventually he sags against the railing, the last of the fireworks illuminating the sky behind him. Haruka probably doesn't want to see him right now, he reasons, not after Makoto broke his heart like he had. He tries to convince himself that this is a good thing, that Haruka needs to learn to survive without Makoto by his side if they're going their separate ways after this summer.

But the truth is that this hurts Makoto almost as much as it hurts Haruka. Makoto has always known the day would come when Haruka would no longer need him. Makoto doesn't hold a candle to Haruka's brilliance, both in the water and out. Makoto isn't the one who lights a fire in Haruka; that gift lies with Rin. Sooner or later, Haruka would get tired of being tied down by Makoto and leave him behind.

He has known this day would come, and he has dreaded it his whole life, because he doesn't know who he is with Haruka. Haruka has Rin and the water and freestyle; Makoto knows he will be fine. But what about Makoto? What does Makoto have that isn't Haruka?

The fireworks have faded into smoke and afterimages by now, and finally Makoto comes to a decision. Haruka had told him he meddles too much, but Haruka had also told him he could do what he wanted. What Makoto wants right now is for Haruka to find the happiness that comes with a dream, and if he has to meddle to do it, so be it.

Makoto swallows the shards of his own broken heart, wipes away the tears he didn't know he'd shed, and calls Rin.

-xx-

He is nineteen when he drinks beer for the first time, the alcohol burning a molten stripe down his throat as he swallows. Once, he would have balked at drinking while underage, even if his twentieth birthday is just a month away. But with the sight he has just seen, he thinks he can be excused.

He sees Sousuke leaning against the doorway leading into the kitchen, surveying the party, and he heads over to join him. Sousuke nods at him in acknowledgement as he leans back against the wall next to Sousuke. They're quiet for a minute, occasionally taking sips from the cups of beer they hold. Nagisa has gotten hold of the music despite Rei's attempts to keep him away, and some angry rock song begins blaring through the small apartment. Makoto absently hopes the walls are thick enough that the neighbors won't file a complaint.

"It's nice to have everyone back together," he says. Sousuke hums, though Makoto can't tell what he means by it. Though, if Haruka had done the same, he finds himself thinking, and he immediately shuts down that train of thought.

"Have you enjoyed your birthday?" he tries again, more to distract himself than to engage Sousuke in conversation.

"It was alright," Sousuke says noncommittally. His gaze seems to lock on to something, and a scowl settles on his face.

Curious as to what's caught Sousuke's attention, Makoto follows his line of sight to the couch, where Haruka is sitting on Rin's lap, dropping light, giggly kisses onto Rin's lips. Rin, for his part, is so red that his face is nearly indiscernible from his hair. Both of their cheeks are flushed from the alcohol they've been drinking all night, courtesy of Sousuke.

Makoto's smile drops as he takes in the sight. He's reminded of why he poured himself a cup of beer in the first place. His stomach curls with jealousy, and he forces himself to tear his eyes away from Rin and Haruka, staring at the drink in his hand instead.

"You too, huh?" Sousuke asks quietly.

Makoto smiles bitterly and takes another drink.

-xx-

He is twenty-three when Haruka wins the gold in the men's 200m freestyle at the Olympics, setting an Olympic record to boot. Work has kept Makoto relegated to his couch, unable to support Haruka from the stands or with his friends back in Iwatobi, but when Haruka's hand touches the wall, Makoto cheers loud enough he's sure Haruka can hear him even from halfway across the world.

Nagisa calls him seconds later, hardly waiting for Makoto to pick up before he starts shouting excitedly into the phone. Makoto gingerly pinches his phone between his thumb and index finger, holding it at arm's length until Nagisa's exuberance subsides, but he'd be lying if he said he wasn't giddy with excitement himself. At some point Rei comes on the line, gushing about how beautiful Haruka was, until Nagisa begins to fight him for the phone and the conversation devolves into a muffled argument while Makoto chuckles quietly.

Haruka appears on the screen again, goggles resting around his neck and dripping water into the dip of his collarbone. Makoto takes a second to appreciate how Haruka has grown even more beautiful since high school before paying attention to what the reporters are asking him.

"Is there anything you'd like to say to your family and friends?" one reporter asks.

It's clear to Makoto that Haruka wants nothing more than to escape the swarm of reporters blocking his path, though he does a good job hiding his annoyance from the press. He pauses for a moment, ducking his head to the side in a gesture so familiar Makoto's heart aches, before responding, "Rin. I love you, but you know you'll never beat me." He lifts his gold medal off his chest as evidence and smirks directly into the camera, as though laughing at some kind of inside joke. The camera immediately shifts to Rin, who sticks his tongue out and sets the commentators laughing.

Makoto's heart stutters before resuming its regular beat, a sad smile stretching across his face. It pains him more than he'd like to admit to hear Haruka say those three words to someone else. He's gotten better at pretending his feelings don't affect him, but he never claimed to be perfect.

-xx-

He is twenty-six when he finally breaks, unable to keep his pain hidden underneath a smile like spun sugar that has fooled everyone around him for a decade and a half.

Rin Skypes him after work one day and asks without preamble, "How would you propose to Haruka?"

Makoto freezes, suddenly unable to swallow past the lump in his throat. His hands clench and unclench rapidly as he processes the question. He is silent for long enough that Rin squints at him in concern and asks him if he's alright.

"Thought I had to sneeze," Makoto says then, forcefully shaking off the overwhelming heartbreak that had gripped him moments ago. Rin seems to accept the excuse and relaxes, and Makoto does as well. "Ah, well," he stalls, berating himself for slipping up so obviously.

It's hardly Rin's fault for not knowing that Makoto has been thinking of the perfect way to propose to Haruka since he was sixteen. He draws on these fantasies now, collecting the best details from each until he has compiled the perfect plan.

"Take him to the beach," he tells Rin, "and swim with him in the ocean. Split an ice-cream with him afterwards-soda flavored. Take him to to his favorite restaurant for lunch, you know the one. It serves five different mackerel dishes? And after that, take him to the aquarium, and let him swim with the dolphins. And finally, I would insist on buying him a plush dolphin as a memento, except it would be a special dolphin holding a ring." He nods to signify that he's done speaking, but Rin doesn't reply, and Makoto runs through what he's said to figure out what he said to make Rin stare at him like this.

It takes him a second, but once he realizes it, his cheeks burn and he ducks his head. He prays that he's wrong and that Rin missed his slip-up, but Rin's next words destroy that hope.

"How long?"

"Since I can remember," Makoto replies quietly. He sneaks a glance at Rin. He seems to be struggling between mistrust and pity, and Makoto looks down again. "It doesn't change anything," he says vehemently. "He doesn't know, and I won't tell him. I'm not going to try anything, I promise. He's happy with you, and that's enough for me. All I want is for him to…" He trails off, lost for words, and silently beseeches Rin to believe him.

Several long minutes later, Rin says, "Alright. Thank you," and the call disconnects with a chirp.

Makoto gives thanks that at least he was able to wait until Rin couldn't see him to let the tears fall.

-xx-

He is twenty-seven when he stands behind Haruka as his best man at Rin and Haruka's wedding, tears streaming quietly down his face as he beams more brightly than anyone save the soon-to-be-newlyweds themselves. They exchange vows, rings, and a sweet kiss that Makoto staunchly refuses to feel jealous of.

Both the wedding and the reception are small, limited only to close friends and family, so it's easy for Makoto to avoid Haruka and Rin by mingling with his other friends instead. He stands off to the side as Rin and Haru throw the bouquet together, neither wanting to be "the girl," and he laughs to himself when Kou catches the bouquet and immediately begins squealing at Seijuurou.

Rin and Haruka's first dance is breathtaking. Makoto knows Rin had forced Haruka to take ballroom dancing lessons for this, and it has paid off. They whirl gracefully around the dance floor, Rin leading by virtue of having more experience, as the soft strains of music from the live orchestra float above them. Makoto almost wonders what it would be like to dance with Haru, whether Haruka would rest his head on Makoto's chest like he's resting it on Rin's shoulder, whether Haruka would even let Makoto lead, but he stops himself. This is Haruka's day, he reminds himself. Makoto will not sully Haruka's wedding with his own selfish thoughts, not when Haruka finally has the happiness and love he deserves.

Makoto can at least give him that much.

He can't avoid the happy couple forever though, and after they've cut the cake and Haru has smeared frosting on Rin's nose and Rin has retaliated in kind, Makoto makes his way over to congratulate them. He finds them with Rin trying to lick the frosting off of Haruka's face and Haruka aggressively keeping Rin at arm's length. They stumble directly into Makoto, too absorbed in their own antics to notice him until he's right there catching them before they can fall.

Rin and Haruka regain their balance and turn to Makoto apologetically, although he sees them sneaking heated glances at each other every few seconds. "Makoto," Haruka mumbles, genuinely sorry for having inconvenienced Makoto. It fascinates Makoto that even though they live in different cities and haven't been around each other for years, he can still read Haruka like the back of his hand.

"Yeah, sorry about that," Rin clarifies, but there's a searching look in his eyes, and his fists are clenched, and Makoto knows he's talking about more than just bumping into Makoto. He isn't as skilled at reading Rin as he is at reading Haruka, but he can tell that he and Rin are both remembering that Skype call from a year ago, when Rin had learned the truth and Makoto had been afraid he had inadvertently ruined everything.

"You seem like you're enjoying yourselves," Makoto teases. "I'm happy for you. Congratulations." And he pulls them into a tight hug, ignoring Rin's indignant squeak and Haruka's wordless cry of confusion. "Really," he whispers into Rin's ear. "I couldn't be happier for the two of you."

He manages to swallow past the emotions clogging his throat and for that brief moment, he's telling the truth.

-xx-

He is twenty-eight when he decides enough is enough.

Even this final decision is made for Haruka. Makoto would be fine living with these feelings forever, if it meant Haruka could remain happy. But lately Makoto has been growing sloppy. Every time he sees Haruka, he feels the desire to brush his messy hair out of his face. Every time he texts Haruka, he has to resist the urge to tack on a simple "love you" when they say goodbye. When he takes care of himself at night, it is Haruka's name at the tip of his tongue.

Haruka deserves better than someone who can't even separate his feelings from his friendship.

So Makoto accepts a position in America as a teaching assistant that his supervisor had nominated him for. He doesn't buy a return ticket when he books his flight, thinking he'll see where the future takes him. In any case, even when he boards the plane that will provide him with an escape from his personal failures, he leaves the most important part of himself behind.

When Makoto was eleven, he gave his heart to Haruka. Now he is older, and he hasn't taken it back, because he knows Haruka will take care of it for him.

Haruka will always give him a reason to return.

 **FIN**


End file.
